Sep 19

Sep 19 Scale Away

It’s called baby weight for a reason. Cuz you gotta wait. Forever. For it to go away. I have found the easiest way to lose inches after having a baby is to…get a haircut. Forget Weight Watchers - if you go to the hair salon, you can lose 4 inches FAST. And drink wine while you do it.

I’ve never been one to stress about weight. I rarely step on a scale, I eat (relatively) well, and several times a week I be up in the gym working on my fitness, my hubs my witness. But after having baby number 3, I’m beginning to wonder WTH is going on here. There is a solid 20 lbs hanging around like the worst squatter in real estate history. I’ve tried to evict that ho, but she just won’t go.

Creating some serious bathing suit envy.

Hair & abs inspo. We’re basically twins.

My baby is 4 months old so it is completely rational for me to believe all the weight it took 9 months to put on would magically disappear by now. I mean, I carry around an adorable 17 pound weight all day every day and eat like, a ton of spinach, so why is the top half of my back still resting on the lower half?

Back fat aside, I do realize that getting repeated haircuts isn’t going to get me in my pre-preg clothes, so I’ve decided to compile some of the top ways to get back in shape after baby. I’m no Jillian Michaels but I did get my personal trainer certificate 9 years ago and then did nothing with it so I’m super qualified to give health and fitness advice.

Swimming - some of you may recall I’m a big fan of the YMCA - mostly because of their childcare - but now that I’m no longer pregnant, I’m actually using their facilities to work out. Workout of choice? Swimming. Somewhere my high school coach just passed out. Yes, the girl who he had to yell at every.single.morning to get in the pool cannot WAIT to get in the pool!!! How could I have ever hated swimming? It’s an individual sport (read: I’m alone), it’s quiet, & I’m building up a sick Speedo tan. Remember that neon floral one piece I was pimping at our beach vacay? That baby’s getting plenty of wear now. My swimsuit is so whimsical people may not think I’m in it to win it, so I slap on a black Speedo for extra drag and wear a cap from a triathlon I did 7 years ago so you know I’m serious.
Zumba or Night Club Cardio - if swimming isn’t your bag, and parenting isn’t humbling enough, take one of these classes. Just like you thought you could dance until you watched yourself on your wedding video, you will think you have rhythm until you attend Zumba. There will be men and women in there of all ages, shapes, and sizes, and they will all be better than you. After 5 weeks, you’ll still know zero choreography but you’ll have abs of steel from laughing at yourself uncontrollably in the mirror.
Elliptical/treadmill - if you can’t swim or dance like nobody’s watching, hop on a machine because it feels good to sweat, and not just because you had to run out to your car to get something. (#houston) You probably don’t even need to exercise once you arrive at the Y because just getting yourself and your three kids there is a workout in itself. By the time you feed the baby, change the baby, change the toddler, locate the shoes, force children to wear the shoes, load the car, drive, arrive, unload stroller, unload children, carry 2 year old who decides she no longer wants to walk, you’ve already burned like a thousand calories! But if you’re an overachiever, throw on the following jams to keep it going:
- Delicate - Taylor Swift - “We can't make any promises now, can we, babe? But you can make me a drink.”
- In the Middle - Zedd, Maren Morris, and Grey : “Baby - why don’t you just meet me in the middle? I’m losing my mind just a little…” #momanthem
- Despacito - Luis Fonsi - I’m not going to translate these lyrics. But if you do, you’ll really get your heart rate up. #enfuego
- There’s Nothing Holding Me Back - Shawn Mendes - “If you were by my side and we stumbled in the dark, I know we'd be alright, I know we would be alright…”
- Girls like you - Maroon Five -”Maybe it's 6:45…Maybe I'm barely alive...”
- This’ll get you around a 20 minute workout, which is about how long your baby is happy in childcare.
Ab work - if you can’t make it to the Y, there’s plenty you can do at home. Lie on your back and do the ABCs with your legs. This benefit is twofold since you’ll be working on your stomach and your kids will learn the alphabet! However, since your core strength is shot you’ll only make it to D so they’ll only know four letters but that’s a head start, right?
Sprints - opportunities for these come naturally throughout the course of your day:
- Sprint outside because you forgot it’s trash day & the garbage truck is already next door
- Sprint back inside to keep toddler from feeding infant the rest of her pancake
- Sprint to the front door to keep FedEx guy from ringing doorbell during naptime
- Sprint to the bathroom to fish out birthday card 4 yr old dropped in the toilet
- And because we know nutrition is just as important as exercise:
Stop eating Chick Fil A a million times a week. HAHAHA - as if! You have young children - there is no way you can stop eating Chick Fil A. But start ordering the kale salad every 3rd visit or so (every time is asking way too much), and then you won’t feel bad when you finish your kids’ fries and get that shake, too.

Finally:

Stop drinking so much alcohol! I could barely type that sentence it’s so ridiculous. PLEASE DISREGARD. Stock up on alcohol, drink all the alcohols.

Whether or not you heed any of this amazing advice, know this: you made a human. Give yourself some grace. And time. You are a kickass mom with a bangin’ bod! If you don’t believe me, say that over and over again until you do. And for sanity’s sake, put the scale away, scale away, scale away!