See You in Court
Kids are really good at keeping you accountable. And also never letting you forget anything.
One fateful day after leaving the YMCA, I had one kid losing it and another one on the brink, so I decided a trip to Chick Fil A was in order. I could almost taste the waffle fries when I was pulled over for allegedly running a red light. The police officer’s questions were nothing compared to the litany that awaited me:
4-year old: “You ran a red light, Mommy? But why, Mommy? Why did you run the red light? Is the policeman gonna come back and get us? Mommy, are you gone to jail? Are you gonna tell Daddy? Are we still going to Chick Fil A? I love Chick Fil A so much. Mommy? Mommy???”
Me: “It was yellow.”
4-year old: “Then why did the policeman come get us?”
Me: “Mommy made a mistake.”
4-year old: “You made a mistake? What’s a mistake, mommy? Mommy?”
Uuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
If your kid is anything like mine, this line of questioning will continue long after the offense has occurred. You will be notified of every color of every stoplight you approach for weeks following. It’s good to be held accountable. It’s also annoying AF.
The day before you’re scheduled to appear in court, you will realize you have nothing court-ish to wear. You wanna go for a chic yet conservative couldn’t-break-a-traffic-law-if-you-tried lewk. The business casual corner of my closet is all but dead these days, but that’s nothing a last minute trip to Tar-jay can’t fix. A new blazer and a pair of super trendy mules later??? The only thing you’ll be guilty of is looking so good so early in the morning.
Speaking of a blazer, it is extremely out of character for me to be wearing one before 6am (or wearing one at all) so naturally my kids were very curious as to where I was going. You don’t want to lie to them, but you also don’t want them to tell everyone at school that mommy has to go to court for breaking the law, so you tell them you’re going to the courthouse in the hopes that they think you’ve become a lawyer overnight. They don’t know what a lawyer is, so the following conversation will ensue:
4-year old: “Where are you going, Mommy?”
Me: “Uhhh. Downtown?”
4-year old: “What is downtown, Mommy?”
Me: “Um. A courthouse?”
4-year old: “What is courthouse?”
Me: “Um, where lawyers go?”
4-year old: “What is lawyers?”
Me: “Um, they help us keep the law?”
Husband (getting frustrated with this line of questioning and my awesome answering): “Remember when Mommy ran the red light?”
Me: “ALLEGEDLY!!”
4-year old: “Oh yeah, Mommy screamed.”
All that is important here is that she didn’t remember the colorful language I used after I screamed.
Confident your kids won’t tell people you’re a common criminal, kiss them goodbye and reassure them you aren’t going to jail. Even though it is now pouring rain, enjoy the quiet morning as you drive downtown. Enjoy it less when your umbrella inverts while you pay the meter. Hopefully the judge will think your wet hair and red rubber boots you packed last minute really add to your courtroom chic appearance.
IMPORTANT: If your judge is a youngish 30-something with kids, (per my lawyer) try to imprint friendship on her from afar. Perhaps she will feel a slight momraderie with you because as my paper planner said last week: “One woman understands another.” Certainly she knows the pain of a multi kid meltdown that is only heightened in the closed space of a vehicle en route to Chick Fil A. Despite your intense gaze and desire to bond over your shared vocation of motherhood, the message on the guy’s shirt in front of you of a wrestler with snake arms that says “Expect No Mercy” is a better inclination of how your morning is gonna go.
Side note for the newly engaged: if you’re searching for a wedding venue, search no more! You can get married at the Houston Municipal Courts during the week for just a hundred bucks! ($150 on the weekends.) I mean, if it’s good enough for Carrie Bradshaw...They should really work on their marketing, though. Had I known back then I could’ve spent 150 to tie the knot, my big day may have looked pretty differently. My dress would have really popped against those wood paneled walls and then walkability to Downtown Aquarium?? Hello second line to unlimited fish and ferris wheel rides for all! #hindsight
What I looked like listening to my lawyer lay out my options for me.
How I felt when my lawyer was laying out my options for me because I had no idea what he was talking about.
For those of you expecting a scene out of a relatively light hearted, fast paced legal drama, Suits this was not. I watched that show long before I, or Prince Harry, knew who Meghan Markle was, but my lawyer looked nothing like Harvey and there wasn’t a tight pencil skirt in sight. Not to mention, the officer that pulled me over showed up and apparently had “video footage” of me “running” the light. Ugh!! I wore high waisted jeans for this??? Actually, fitting into those jeans from 2 years ago was a big win. I wore them 8 months after my second baby, and 13 months after my third. Just like the docket call in my courtroom, fitting back into them took a little longer than expected, but when I went downstairs to pay my fine, I felt really skinny doing it. That coupled with the few hours of babysitting I still had left was another reason to celebrate.
Moral of this court story, you may be a mom, but drive like a grandma. And be thankful God doesn’t remember your mistakes the way your children do. #itwasyellow
