The Cyst-uation
Technician at nail salon: “When’s your baby due?”
Me: “I already had her. 4 weeks ago.”
This is not another post about baby weight, although it does contain a weight loss story of epic proportion. With Halloween approaching, it makes sense to tell the tale of the monster cyst. But let’s back up.
I have dark hair, and lots of it. My electrologist & I started a relationship at the tender age of 12. Junior high girls ain’t got no time for ‘staches! And even though my mom knew the level of hair I had she still wouldn’t let me shave my legs until 7th grade, even after one kid in class called me a hairy monster & my “best friend” followed up by asking me what kind of conditioner I used on those babies. I have since forgiven said “friend” for that comment, & I don’t hold a grudge against my mom either. I mean, who really wants to give a 12 year old free reign with a razor?
Thankfully, technology improved, laser hair removal became a thing, and I no longer had to tell peeps in high school that my scabbed upper lip was a reaction to medicine. (Who was I fooling?) But as my mom reminded me frequently, there were worse things than being hairy & I agreed.
In my mid-20s, we finally figured out that this prolific hair growth was due to PCOS & not super hairy genes. What’s PCOS, you ask? You can read more about it here, but in layman’s terms, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is an imbalance of reproductive hormones that can affect your ability to get pregnant and possibly give you a man voice, too. Symptoms include menstrual irregularity, excess hair growth, acne, and obesity.
Let’s go through my symptoms:
Acne – nothing unmanageable.
Menstrual irregularity – I always have a period, but I’ve never had a strict 28 day cycle. Mine can fall anywhere from 28-34 days.
Excess hair growth – we’ve covered this. This covers me. All over. Some pregnant women have the woe of weighing more than their husbands at some point in their pregnancy - my issue was having a daily 5 o’ clock shadow when my hubby can’t grow a beard to save his life.
Obesity – I have never been overweight, ever. I suppose that’s one thing I can thank extra testosterone for.
And something else I can thank extra testosterone for:
Man Voice
As voices go, mine is deeper than the average (female) bear. There’s an old country song that goes, Daddy sang bass, Momma sang tenor. But my high school boyfriend would (lovingly?) say, “Jessica sang bass, Marcus sang tenor.” But joke’s on him because I actually sang soprano in high school! So suck it, Marky! In my opinion, there are pros and cons of the man voice:
Pros
You can land some solid voiceover work
You can trick the mother of your junior high crush into thinking her 12 year old is dating an older woman
You can confuse your baby as to whether daddy or mommy is in the room
Cons
You will be called sir at any and all drive thrus
You will be called sir over the phone, even when you call Woman’s Hospital to pre-register for your impending delivery
You will send your freshman college roommate’s boyfriend into a jealous rage because he thinks there’s a boy in your room:
Soon to be dumped ridiculous boyfriend: “I hear a guy talking in your room!”
College roommate: “That’s not a guy, ridiculous boyfriend, that’s Jessica!” #truestory #infiniteeyeroll
But back to my polycystic story.
As symptoms go, I’ve always been a pretty mild case. After doing the initial blood work that indicated I was polycystic, my doctor put me on birth control to protect my fertility (aka keep cysts from growing and burning up my ovaries.) I’m very grateful to report my husband and I never had trouble conceiving. But during my first pregnancy, during my first ultrasound, my doctor noticed a cyst. It was relatively small, and he said they usually resolve on their own. He gave us some restrictions & said we’d monitor it. That OB no longer delivers babies, so after my first trimester he referred me to another OB, and this OB continued my prenatal care. At my 20 week ultrasound, everything looked good, no cyst to speak of, and all was well. Fast forward to my delivery – healthy, happy, 40 week baby was born, mommy was great, & we were discharged. I went home with a rather large stomach, but most women do after giving birth, and as this was my first child, I had no frame of reference.
I got home and was on the Ultra Twister of emotional roller coasters. Happy, mad, sad, overwhelmed, exhausted. Crying. So much crying. Barely left my house, ie didn’t even go outside except for pediatrician visit, for 2 weeks. Didn’t love my baby. And I still looked 9 months pregnant. 10 months pregnant. 12 months pregnant. Super duper pregnant. I remember looking at other new moms at the pediatrician office – they were not still huge. Other moms in my breastfeeding support class – not still huge. But me? 2 weeks postpartum - huge. 3 weeks postpartum - huge. 4 weeks postpartum - STILL HUGE.
Finally, at 5 weeks postpartum we went to the pediatrician for a weight check for our baby who we were inadvertently starving at the time. Once we figured out my milk supply was low, we started supplementing and she was fine, but the pediatrician noticed that my stomach was STILL FREAKING HUGE! I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure one’s stomach is supposed to get smaller, not larger, after having a baby, so WTF was going on? This was on a Friday, so that following Monday morning, I showed up at my OB’s office unannounced. My doctor immediately ordered an ultrasound because I looked like I could birth another baby, even though I just had one.
At the ultrasound the next day, we discovered…….drum roll please……. a GIGANTOR OVARIAN CYST. Like the cyst to end all cysts. As rare as hen’s teeth, my doctor said. I asked him to clarify because I have no idea if hens actually have teeth. He said they don’t, and explained that this was extremely rare, and that in 35 years of practicing medicine, he’d never seen this. Now, I love the spotlight, but medical marvel is not something I want on my acting resume. But at least we had some clarity - it was a cyst. That clarity quickly gave way to fear with the following question - was it benign? My doctor couldn’t say with certainty before my lab work came back, but he said he’d bet his life savings on it. Not knowing what his life savings situation actually looked like, I again didn’t know how to take his comment, but seeing that he’s an accomplished physician, I decided to bet on it, too.
The next step was surgery, so we sat down in his office to discuss dates, and he somewhat nonchalantly said, we’ll have to take your ovary. And your fallopian tube. I’m sorry, what? Take them where?? I immediately burst into tears. My nether regions had just gone thru the gynecological ringer, I was an exhausted, first time mom with a 5 week old. At that point I couldn’t even think about having sex, much less getting pregnant again, but it didn’t matter - tell a woman you have to take an ovary & she will lose her shit. Although I trusted my doc’s opinion, I got a second one, and the course of action would have been the same, so we scheduled surgery. I’d never had anesthesia of any kind and all I could think was, I’m not going to wake up. I won’t be able to mother my child.
If you don’t already know, know this now: faith and fear cannot exist in the same room. God has a plan and purpose for all our lives. I knew He would take care of me, and I knew if He wanted us to expand our family we would. So we prayed over this cyst-uation, I loved my new baby and husband hard, drank a bunch of clear, non-appetizing liquids to prep for surgery, and I was ready.
My doctor is brilliant and did the entire surgery laparoscopically through my belly button (I don’t even have a scar), and I very gratefully woke up a few hours later, but not before he removed THIRTY POUNDS OF FLUID FROM MY CYST. And then removed that SOB, which was a mere 15 centimeters wide. I was 25 pounds lighter immediately after surgery, then lost a quick 7 more the next day. It turned out to be the best postpartum diet plan ever. How else can you lose 32 pounds in the course of 24 hours?
But Jessica, how did you not know this was happening? How did your doctor not see this? Million dollar question and we still don’t know. He thinks my growing uterus suppressed the cyst, and then once the baby was out, the cyst kept filling with fluid. Lots and lots of fluid. No wonder my milk supply was low - my body was jacked up!
After my surgery and subsequent lab work we discovered it was a benign luteinizing cyst. The internet tells us, “In women, luteinizing hormone levels that are too high are often connected to polycystic ovary syndrome, which creates inappropriate testosterone levels. Testosterone…helps accentuate male characteristics — like a deep voice or growth of facial hair.” Well shit damn! No wonder I was singing baritone at mass! No wonder my stomach was a bonafide fur baby! My hormones righted themselves after surgery so I only have to use my beard trimmer periodically instead of everyday, but I def can’t sing like I used to. If I was Carrie Underwood this would prove problematic, but luckily you don’t have to hit a high G to sell a house. This cyst-uation was so rare that my doctor presented my case at grand rounds a year later and a screenplay is in the works for a made for TV movie. Just kidding, but if it ever comes to that, you best believe I’m gonna play myself.
I have three amazing, healthy kids. Two were conceived with one ovary. I don’t even recall I’m missing one half the time. Ovary, not children. Although the more kids I have, I can see how you may lose track of one of them, too. And to some, one ovary is like a gold mine! Cobie Smulders, an actress from How I Met Your Mother, conceived 2 children with ONE THIRD of ONE ovary after battling ovarian cancer! Talk about beauty for ashes! There is nothing that God cannot do.
None of us knows what life has in store for us, and we’ll all endure trials of some kind. But when you’re going through them, reflect on what God has done for you in the past, and be certain that He will be faithful in the future. When I think about how He delivered me from that monster cyst, and how He continues to bless and protect my family today, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and have this song from Rend Collective on permanent replay in my head:
“I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing, Letting go and trusting when I cannot see
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing, Surely every season you are good to me.”
