Naked and Afraid

No, I’m not talking about that ridiculous show that my husband sometimes watches.  I’m talking about being a first time mom. When your baby is born, she is naked, and you are AFRAID.  What have I done? I’m not ready for this!! You’re sending her HOME WITH ME??? And then you get home and you are the one naked because you’re constantly changing your shirt thanks to night sweats, poop, pee, spit up, or milk leakage. And you’re still very afraid.

As a third time mom, I’m less afraid, but there’s still a lot I don’t know. Like, why is my 4 year old screaming in the middle of the night that she doesn’t want to be alone even though she shares a room with her sister? Is it ok to give melatonin to toddlers in the middle of the day? Should I have fed the baby peanut butter for the first time right before bed? I may not know the answers to these questions, but after I had my first baby, one of my sister’s pregnant friends must have thought I knew something, because she reached out to me and asked for some advice. I didn’t give her any, because as a first time mom of a 6 month old I didn’t have any, but I did share some motherly observations I thought would be even more helpful. Had I written her an actual letter, it would have looked much like this one below.

Love Letter to a New Mom

Dear new mommy,

You will feel like you want to die the first 4 weeks of your newborn’s life.  You will feel exhaustion to the core of your being and wonder if you may actually be a little dead. You will wonder if it will ever get better, if you’ll ever feel like yourself again, or ever not resent your spouse again. (Just for breathing wrong in your direction). You will likely forget there is an outside world beyond your four walls and that you ever existed in it as a highly functioning member of society.

You will wonder when your baby will ever stop crying but then realize the baby is asleep and you are the one crying. That is ok. You may even find it hard to love your baby at first. That’s also ok.  Then you may find out you are growing a monster cyst that was definitely attributing to all the crying and that’s not ok. But I digress.

You will wonder what to do with your baby. After you feed her and change her diaper you will think, now what? I suggest reading the Moms on Call book series. They have Typical Day sections that outline what your baby should be doing and when based on her age. Once you read these pages, immediately rip them out and burn them because your baby isn’t going to do any of those things at the times they say they will.  Babies are unpredictable. So you gotta think routine, not schedule. There is no schedule until they are like 5 and in kindergarten.  Although I don’t even know this to be true because I don’t have a 5 year old yet.  So yes, they will eat, play, sleep, etc, but if you even begin to think they’ll do all those things at the same time today that they did them yesterday, you will walk yourself right into the loony bin.  Motherhood is letting go of every expectation you ever had. About anything. All the time. Once you do that, you’ll be fine!

Your water bill will BLOW UP overnight. Your new life is laundry, dishes, and more laundry. I used to do the dishes once a week. I used to do laundry once a week. Now, our clothes are always clean because our clothes are always dirty. GTL? (Gym, Tan, Laundry?) More like, LLL, G, L and more L, no reason for T, maybe squeeze in one more G, and then more LLL. (I didn’t watch Jersey Shore but I have serious love for an acronym.)

Your husband will go back to work. This is as soul crushing as it sounds. (Unless you’re my neighbor.  Her hubby had 8 weeks of paternity leave and I kinda hated her for it.) A week after our second baby was born, I was terrified to be alone with my two very young children, and my husband and I had this exchange:

Hubs: Bye! (running towards the door)

Me: Where are you going? (also running towards the door)

Hubs: Work.

Me: What do you mean, work? You’re going BACK TO WORK? Was this always the plan? WE NEED A NEW PLAN!

You will forget the meaning of leisure. Nothing is done in leisure anymore - showering, eating, driving to the Y, sitting in a drive thru, going to church, cooking, drinking, having sex, (yes, you’ll have sex again, eventually), NOTHING!  Everything is done in haste because tiny babies do not like to be alone or still. Or sit in traffic.  Or let you sit.  Ever.

You will lose things.  All your things. You’ll lose your phone for 30 minutes when you were supposed to be at an appointment 30 minutes AGO, and then eventually find it in your daughter’s “bow” drawer. You’ll go to Babies R Us and lose your keys, only to find them in your diaper bag twenty minutes later after you’ve dumped your bag out 4 times, enlisted the help of the 19 year old male teenager who has the misfortune to work @ Babies R Us & deal with your crazy @ss, and called your dad hysterically because your husband is out of town.

And finally, you will understand that poop, like life, finds a way. Out of her diapers. And onto every surface imaginable. Under your fingernail. In your car. On your face. Between her toes. It’s the ultimate lesson in prepositions.

*A note about grandparents. If it’s the first grandchild, they will also be very afraid. The last time they had a baby was 35 years ago. They remember nothing. Being a parent now yourself, you understand why their mind has melted. They will of course be great support to you regardless, and spoon feed you soup and change your sheets and wash your clothes a billion times because they aren’t sure what else to do once you and the baby are finally sleeping.*  #mymomisthebest

I wish you very good luck,

Jessica

ROSY. PICTURE. PAINTED.

If you are one of those women who easily transitioned into motherhood like Carrie Underwood claimed she did (lies!) I’m (sort of) happy for you. But for those who just a had a baby and find it hard to be excited for friends who now tell you they’re pregnant because you know the newborn hell they’re about to sleepwalk through, here’s the good news. It DOES get better! They WILL start sleeping! Nipples WILL stop bleeding! Fat WILL start receding! Hemorrhoids WILL start shrinking! JUST KEEP DRINKING!!! Just kidding. Alcohol doesn’t solve all your problems. Just some of them.

And while my love letter above is certainly hilarious, it doesn’t contain these profound truths:

• You will be forever changed.

• You will feel inexplicable pride to be a parent.

• You will start to understand (and humbly appreciate) what your parents did for you.

• And most importantly, you will slightly begin to comprehend the unfathomable love God has for us. Because you will have this for your child.  As hard as it is.  As long as your days are. As naked and afraid as you feel, you will feel the love of God through and for your child. And it will make you want more of them! Eventually! So, mothers, especially my sweet sissy: Thank you for your yes. Thank you for believing God has called you to the best, and hardest, vocation there is. Thank you for embracing it. Thank you for loving and mothering well, even on the days you don’t think you have.  You are doing a great job.  You are a great mom. Keep on going.