My husband and I have been married for 8 years, so thankfully it’s been awhile since I’ve dealt with a break up. However, I just got dumped. By my cleaning lady. She mentioned something about “living far” and “traffic” but I think she was really just telling me she could no longer handle our filth. Let’s be honest - when she first started working for us we had no kids, and little filth. Now we have 3 littles, and a lot of filth.

When your cleaning lady leaves, as in most breakups, you will begin crying. This emotional response to her departure will both surprise and confuse you. Do these tears stem from the fact that you’re losing a sweet and reliable maid of 6 years or that you will be cleaning your own toilets in 2 weeks?

All of us are gifted in different ways, and cleaning house and/or having a clutter-free home is not one of mine. However, I have been gifted with the ability to function in the face of chaos, which is fortuitous seeing that we have 3 kids in a 3 bedroom house. I do try to be sensitive to those with more organizational tendencies…aka my husband....so when at all possible, I try to pick up a little before he gets home so it doesn’t look like a bomb went off. On the days this is wholly impossible, I sort of enjoy watching his eyes glaze over as he takes in the day’s destruction. Of course, we know that having a house that is cluttered and having a house that isn’t clean are two different things. One of my former roomies and I came to the very astute conclusion - all human beings can be classified into 2 categories: Clean But Dirty or Dirty But Clean.

If you are Clean But Dirty, your clothes are picked up & put away but there’s a healthy amount of grime around your sink handles.

If you are Dirty But Clean, your room looks like a closet explosion but those sink handles are squeaky clean, baby!

If you have children and you are Clean but Dirty, kid toys are picked up and put away but your baby’s neck folds are nothing to brag about.

If you have children and are Dirty but Clean, your home looks like a ransacked toy shop but there ain’t no cheese in your baby’s neck!

Regardless of which category you fall in, if you’re a mom, you ain’t got time for housework. All your time goes to keeping children alive and looking relatively presentable at pick up and drop off. In an effort to keep my sanity in check and not live in a low level landfill, we hire help. Except for dishes and wiping down the counter (most) every night, I don’t do any deep cleans in between maid cleans. My vacuum is like a Ford Taurus a little old grandma only drives once a week to church. If you have similar mileage on your vacuum, you’ll be faced with a conundrum when you interview a new maid. Do you clean up the house a little so she’s not scared away? Or do you lay it on her real good so she knows exactly what she’s in for? You want her to feel challenged but not discouraged, so pick up dirty clothes and diapers but leave plenty of toys and Cheerios strewn about. If she walks in and doesn’t immediately walk back out, you’ve found your girl.

The day your new maid comes, you’ll be so happy your house is finally clean again until you notice she put your hand wash only milk frother in the dishwasher. Your Nespresso milk frother, also known as the best mother’s day gift ever and essential piece of equipment for your latte, aka source of morning joy, may…be…BROKEN?!?!?! You start spiraling and the tantrum that ensues will rival your 2 year old’s personal best until you see that it does in fact still work. The realization that you’ve elevated coffee this high is a little disturbing; however, it doesn’t hurt for you to periodically reexamine your priorities and the Great Frother Scare of 2019 has done just that. Some of you are thinking, get a grip, Jessica! Oh, I have one. Around my coffee cup.

Despite the frother situation, walking into a clean house is the best. Too bad Grizz never gets to do this. By the time he gets home from work, he can’t tell it was cleaned at all. It’s just like a tree that falls in the woods - if no one’s around to hear it, does it make a sound? If hubs has to wade through a river of toys to get to the bathroom, does it mean the toilet isn’t clean? It’s just like the tree thing, right? Well if not, who cares?? I know the truth! You may not be able to see the floor, but we could eat off it tonite! Heck, the baby already has!

Speaking of the baby, here are some things that aren’t as clean as they should be:

The playroom rug - ok, all the rugs. Unthinkable things have happened here. Let’s never speak of the rugs again.
The highchair - did you know you can lift the faux leather cushion and clean underneath it? I sure didn’t. For THREE YEARS.
The infant carseat - um. hmm. Good thing the chest buckle is at an appropriate height because I can’t slide it up or down because spit up has cemented it IN PLACE.
The bottle drying “lawn” - the white plastic bottom, like our walls, is now Mindful GRAY.
The baby bottles - the number of times I’ve cleaned between the nipple and the collar might be equal to the number of children I have. THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

The baby’s high 90s in all his percentiles so I doubt any of this has had an adverse affect on him. I feel confident it’s actually boosted his immunity.

Some of you are thinking, that’s great, Jessica, but I don’t have a maid! Well, do you have children? Turns out they love chores and their currency is goldfish. They hate the vacuum but they love to swiffer - put those kids to work! Unloading the dishwasher can be tricky because they invariable go for the knives, so let them fold washcloths. They won’t actually fold anything and instead repurpose all the washcloths as blankets for babies, but it’s decent busywork while you finish up the sharp silverware.

Don’t let the state of your house (or all your baby’s gear) define you as a mom. The three baskets of unfolded laundry in your living room simply equals efficiency. Farm to table? More like basket to body. Cut out that middle man! Plus, packing extra outfits for every child in case of emergencies is tough to remember. Use those piles of laundry near the back door to jog your memory so your kid won’t end up pantless at the pediatrician’s office in December after an unfortunate tinkle episode because you forgot a change of clothes. #mildwinters #thankgoodness

Whether you like it or not, and I know some of you actually like it, the work must eventually be done. For those of you who do not love tidying up, sometimes you just gotta do something restorative before something implorative. Which is definitely a word. The kitchen is imploring you to clean it. The floor is imploring you to sweep it. But if you have a new baby, or an unexpected appendectomy, or just one hell of a mothering day, it.can.wait. I hereby give you permission to sink into the couch and eat your kids’ leftover Easter candy while you watch Grey’s Anatomy because you just can’t quit it even though it’s been on for 15 years and they killed off McDreamy long ago. (Just like you and your cleaning lady, Meredith can’t handle another breakup!!) Once you’ve filled your cup, you can go wash the million that await you. And if a small break and your favorite long running television series don’t shift your mindset, hopefully Mother Teresa can:

“Wash the plate not because it is dirty nor because you are told to wash it, but because you love the person who will use it next.”