The Final Countdown
We're at t-minus four weeks, and things are getting real. Real...uncomfortable. Like insomnia, heartburn & hemorrhoids, (oh my!) kind of uncomfortable.
Do I love the miraculous ability to grow a tiny human inside me? Yes. Am I utterly humbled to be a co-creator with God? Yes! Do I love being pregnant? Uh, NER. Sure, there's a few golden weeks in 2nd trimester in which you *think* you love being pregnant but what about all the time before and after that? I read this article a couple weeks ago and this chick was like, "I haven't experienced the normal pregnancy symptoms like nausea, heartburn, shortness of breath, hemorrhoids, excessive weight gain, etc, but...." But? But WHAT? I'll never know because I stopped reading. No one cares what you said after but, lady! Congratulations to those of you who can relate with her - I am happy for you, but we can never be friends.
Another ridiculous thing I read recently said your best inner thigh fat goes to your first pregnancy. I'm not going to cite the article because clearly the author was on crack. In case you were worried, don't be! Being pregnant for the 3rd time, I can say with confidence that your best fat is not behind you! It definitely comes back, and it brings friends! Non thigh gaps around the world can attest to this.
Even though the tail end of pregnancy is kind of the worse, mostly because it wreaks havoc on your tail end, let's not forget there are challenges throughout. Let's briefly recap:
1st trimester: Pregnancy blows! Nausea, you old B. Eating, drinking? Nope. Exercising, socializing? Nope. Sexualizing? H to the NOPE.
2nd trimester: Pregnancy is good! Look at me, eating things! Look at me, walking on the treadmill! Look at me staying up past 8pm! Sex? I dunno, maybe!
3rd trimester: Pregnancy kinda blows again! (as evidenced below)
A Night in the Life of a 36 Week Preggo
Tell hubby good nite 45 minutes before you actually plan to go to sleep because you're gonna need extra time for your nightly routine. Yes, you'll still wash your face and brush your teeth, but now you also have to lather up your belly, trim your beard or other unwanted body hair, take a prenatal, a Unisom, and a stool softener for good measure, eat a few thousand Tums, and shellac on a healthy amount of Preparation H. (Seriously hemorrhoids? I fully expect to have to deal with you post birth, but before? That's just mean.)
Next, climb into bed, get comfortable on your left side, sleep soundly for 30 minutes, and then decide to change position. Defy some law of physics in order to roll over to your right side and adjust head and knee pillows, only to immediately be hit with a wave of acid reflux and an urgent need to pee. Use Jedi mind trick to bring yourself to a standing position, use the restroom, eat MORE Tums, (you're definitely over your daily allotment, like by a million), and then lay back in bed. Wake a minimum of three more times to pee. Follow up one of those wakings with a trip to the kitchen, (that Easter candy isn't going to eat itself) then finally fall back asleep for 15 minutes until your kids who are already in the world wake up. #Rested!
You may not be resting as well as you'd like, but you're definitely nesting, so let's get you prepared to welcome your bundle by doing the following things:
Stock up on hemorrhoid & feminine products like it's Y2K. Tucks wipes will be your best friend, and you will use more maxi pads than your 12 year old self in 1992 ever thought you would. Another great suggestion from a gal pal of mine is to buy Always Discreet Underwear. There is nothing discreet about them as peeps will hear you coming from a mile away, but it eliminates one less thing you gotta put on.
Locate old infant car seat. Discover it’s broken. Standard ship new car seat and then worry you should have rush shipped it because that indigestion from lunch suddenly feels like a contraction.
Head into garage to get rock n play, bouncer, & baby swing. Come back inside because you can't find any of them. Rack your brain as to who you lent them to or if you sold them. Pray you didn't sell them.
Schedule a dinner with your mom friends - you need to laugh with people who care about how many pairs of underwear you sweated through today and then say goodbye - who knows when you'll see those girls again.
**Speaking of undies, sweat isn’t the only culprit. You could be walking out the door to your sister-in-law's wedding reception only to sneeze and have to walk right back in to change. Sadly, no amount of kegels can keep every ounce of leakage at bay. One ill timed cough or hard kick from the baby could be your undoing, so do yourself a favor and stock up. It’s not time to be sexy, it’s time to be smart, so head to Target, peruse the great panty wall, decide on a couple 6 packs of Hanes or good 'ol Fruit of the Loom, (full coverage, natch) and be on your way. Do not believe your well-intentioned pregnant friend when she tells you to get Mediums. Trust your (large) gut. As discussed in my previous post regarding maternity wear, you are a Large.**
Get nails done - all the patrons will stare (I get it, it's hard to look away), and the technicians will def smile at you and then talk about how big you are under their breath, but the mani/pedi and 10 minute neck massage will be totally worth it.
Make hair appointment even if it's not quite time to go. You can't have your grays poppin' in the delivery room! If you're forced to make an appointment 4 weeks postpartum, that's ok - just be forewarned that your sitter will frantically call when you're mid-foil telling you the baby won't take the bottle. You'll bypass the style, peel out of the parking lot and rush home to feed the babe only to walk in and see all is well. #thanksfortheupdate #shetookthebottle #iknewshewould
Pregnancy can be unpredictable these last few weeks, so if you aren't able to take care of everything from the list above, it's ok. Plan as best you can and live with positive expectancy that the baby will come before your doctor goes on his scheduled trip to South Africa 2 days after you're due. You should be more important to him than the family he hasn't seen in twenty years, but just in case you aren't, Mary delivered Jesus in a manger (with NO EPIDURAL), so something tells me you're gonna be just fine.
Pic from a trusted source. They may have the consistency of old basketball shorts, but they're totes breathable.
