Relax your tongue. That is literally the only thing I remember from the childbirth class we took before we had our first baby. That and how to properly condense and throw away a wet diaper. I’m not saying there wasn’t plenty other important knowledge dispensed, but those were my 2 takeaways. No wonder I’m such a good mom!
When I’m not birthing children, I have no problem relaxing my tongue. It is plenty relaxed. I usually have to bite it. We all know the old adage: If you can't say something nice, don’t say anything at all. I am convinced people forget this all together when they decide to converse with pregnant women. Actually, some of the most annoying things I’ve heard are from pregnant women themselves:
I’m 8 months pregnant and just ran 8 miles! #isthisforreal
I only gained 17 lbs this pregnancy! #fakenews
I love being pregnant! #morefakenews
Pregnancy is a 40 week game, and I'm at 39 and change. Some women go past 40 weeks (God love them) but there's many who don't make it full term and have asked what it's like. Well, it's like Wiz Khalifa's Work Hard, Play Hard with a few minor changes:
Walk slow, nap hard, walk slow, nap hard
Walk slow, nap hard, walk slow, nap hard
Nap, nap, nap, nap, nap, nap, nap, nap
To be even more specific:
39 weeks means getting in touch with your inner manatee
39 weeks means not being able to sit vertically after 4pm
39 weeks is wanting to give birth just so you can get a break from your other kids
39 weeks is thinking every kick, gas bubble, or wave of indigestion is a contraction
39 weeks is having to baby powder your underbelly because it's perma-stuck to the tops of your thighs
39 weeks means eating ice cream before bed even though your stomach hurts because your days of guilt free eating are coming to a close
39 weeks is not knowing your hubby inadvertently locked himself in your kid’s room after he put her to sleep because you just laid down and couldn’t bear to drag your body off the couch to go investigate the door knocking or weird scraping noise of a ceramic cross against the tile under the door frame #truestory #iwouldhaveeventuallygottenup #ithink
39 weeks pregnant is no walk in the park. Or in the mall. Or in the grocery store. There’s no more walking, period. Yesterday I walked around Target for 30 minutes and had to come home & nap for 2 hours. Hard. But my kids are still getting fed, clothed and consistently bathed, so I'm #winning. I have, however, begun to manage their expectations. “Now kids, when the baby comes, you may never have a bath again, and that’s ok. Dinner may not be hot and on a plate, but I’m moving these Goldfish packages to a toddler height level, so have at them when you’re hungry.” It’s gonna be great!
Although having a newborn doesn’t equal the apocalypse, it sort of feels that way, so I’ve been planning and purchasing food and textiles like all retail establishments and the internet will cease to exist after I give birth. This basically means I have made many trips (and many returns) to Target & Nordstrom Rack for things the kids will need in the coming months. None of these trips has yielded anything for mommy because the only thing mommy’s buying right now are milkshakes, but the kids will have summer clothes that fit!
With gratitude and anxious excitement I can say delivery is imminent! I cannot wait for that first margarita. I cannot wait to comfortably roll over in bed. And I cannot wait to meet my son.
