“We need you to come in for a follow up mammogram.” I heard those words and burst into tears. Which was problematic because I was about to walk into a photoshoot and my mascara was no longer on point. There are so many dates that are burned into my memory - most of them good, celebratory. After that phone call, I now have several I’d love to erase from my mind, but that’s just not the way it works.

Celebrating my 40th in Scottsdale - I hadn’t had my biopsy yet and we didn’t let future uncertainty ruin our trip!

But speaking of celebratory dates, I love birthdays - even as I age. I love to reflect on the past year and get excited about what’s to come. And last year, I turned 40. Forty is a biblical number. A sacred number of transformation. It can also symbolize a period of testing, trial, and then finally, (Thank God) triumph. Now, I am all about symbolism and the meaning behind words and numbers but last year, two days after my fortieth birthday, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Instead of being excited about possibilities, I was slapped with uncertainty.

I was at the gym by the pool when I got the call from my doctor. I found this penny right by my foot when I got off the phone - In God We Trust.

I think uncertainty is the hardest thing about a cancer diagnosis. And then comes the waiting, which is even harder. Waiting on appointments, waiting on scans, waiting for results. So much uncertainty, so much waiting. So many fears. So many tears. So.Many.Tears.

Hard news is hard to share. So if you’re just now hearing about this, it’s because I couldn’t bear to talk about it one more time. And even though I’m writing about it now, even though I’m “passed” it, it still isn’t easy. When I was first diagnosed, I didn’t want to focus on it, talk about it, give it any life. But I’ve learned that I have to integrate it because it’s definitely a part of who I am now. Cancer took a big part of who I was, but it’s also been integral to who I’m becoming. My dad often says in his homilies, “God is always taking us places we didn’t know we needed (or wanted) to go.” And boy, isn’t he right. I am now a part of a club that I didn’t want to be a part of, but God uses everything. Nothing - no experience, no suffering - is wasted when it can be used for His glory.

After getting my pathology back - CANCER FREE!!

I know I will elaborate more later, but very long story short, my routine mammogram turned into a follow up mammogram, which turned into a biopsy, which turned into a double mastectomy followed by reconstruction surgery. All in 6 months. While I’m still reeling from all that (physically and especially physiologically) I am so grateful to report I am CANCER FREEEEEEEEE!! All praise and glory to our merciful, faithful Father!!

(Taking short break to cry into my keyboard.)

We don’t know what crosses we’ll be called to carry in life and cancer is a heavy one. And one of the biggest things I’ve learned from all this is that people are carrying heavy crosses of all kinds, all the time. All my muscles seem to have shrunk after my surgeries except one - my empathy muscle. It just keeps growing. People are dealing with so much on a daily basis that we know nothing about. Pain is hiding behind smiles. Struggles are sitting below the surface. People need your kindness. Pray for others, always, whether you know about their trials or not. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for sending notes. Thank you for sending food. Every card, every text, every call is meaningful. It all matters. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

And if you don’t know this yet, know this now: God is always good and He is always with you. Whether you feel Him or not, He is never far from you, especially in your suffering. He suffers alongside you. He carries you when you can’t carry your kids. He lifts your spirits when you can’t lift your arms. He cries with you. He comforts you. He sends you people to help. He always sends the right people.

Whatever kind of healing you need today, I pray the God of hope descends upon you. YOU are worthy. And you are loved. Share this with someone who needs to hear it.

Oh yeah, and GET YOUR MAMMOGRAM! Like, call now. I know I can be extremely funny, but this is not a joke. Do it now. I love you!

Jessica